LOL. That's a cute way of putting it! Probably needs a sunnier area, and also less watering. See below for some awesome tips--and don't give up. Try it again!!
Cacti are among the most fascinating groups of plants for indoor use. Often described as arid desert plants, they also are found in forests and on prairies. In Nebraska, several native species of cacti intermingle with prairie grasses. Cacti belong to a larger group of plants known as succulents. These plants have enlarged stems and have few to no leaves to conserve and store water. Many species have hair, spines and thick skin for protection. Many cacti do well as houseplants. Cacti can be grown singly or in combination as dish gardens.
Soils
Good drainage is essential in any growing mix for raising cacti, yet the growing media also must have adequate moisture retention properties and good aeration, along with adequate nutrients. A general growing medium for arid species of cacti consists of 1/3 peat moss, 1/3 garden soil and 1/3 sharp (builders’) sand. Equal parts sand and a good house plant growing mix also will do. Many modifications of these mixes can be used. Tropical-type (rain forest) cacti require more organic matter in the growing mix. Several brands of potting soil are commercially available, as well, specifically for growing cactus.
Cacti should be repotted as needed, rather than on a regular schedule. Repot if the cactus plant has grown to within 1/4 inch of the side of the container. Repot into a container only slightly larger than the present one. Repotting into a container that is too large may lead to overwatering. Spring is the normal time to transplant cacti. When transplanting cacti, a rolled up newspaper or a pair of tongs can be used to hold a plant in order to prevent spines from injuring fingers. Set the plant in the new container at the same level it was originally growing and fill around it with moistened growing media. Wait several days before watering so damaged roots will have time to heal. A container that is wider than it is tall is better for species with lateral growing roots. Porous containers are usually best.
Watering
Watering is probably the most important factor in cactus culture. Potting mixture, containers, drainage, temperature, size of plant and type of plant all influence water use, so no absolute schedule can be given for watering. Careful observation is the best way to determine a plant’s water needs. During the active growing season (spring and summer), water when the top 1/2 inch of the growing media feels dry to the finger. The growing media should be thoroughly moistened at each watering and allowed to dry before water is added again. Dormant cacti need less moisture. A light watering every few weeks is sufficient. Do not soak the growing media during the dormant period. Some sources recommend using lukewarm water as cold water can shock the roots when watering cactus.
Fertilizer
Like other types of house plants, cacti need fertilizer, but in smaller amounts. From spring to fall they can be fertilized every two to three months with a low nitrogen fertilizer such as 5-10-10 or 7-40-6. Excess nitrogen can cause succulent growth, leading to insect, disease and other problems. Time-release fertilizers also can be used but need only be applied once in the spring. Do not fertilize newly repotted plants, unrooted plants or plants going through a dormancy period.
Light
Most arid species of cacti require bright sunlight to grow well. Windows facing south provide the most sunlight, while windows facing east and west usually offer some direct sun for at least part of the day. Day length recommendations for light vary from 12 to 18 hours. In some homes, artificial light may be necessary to supplement natural light. The length of the light received each day can have an effect on cactus flowering, especially for the tropical cacti.
Temperature
Proper temperatures for raising cacti vary with the season. Optimum temperatures for most cacti plants range from 65° to 90° F during the active growing season (spring and summer). They can be placed outdoors in late spring but may need to be shaded during the hottest part of the day until they adjust to the temperatures and higher light intensities. Too much sun can lead to sunburning. In the fall, bring cold sensitive cactus indoors before temperatures reach the freezing point.
Dormant (fall and winter) cactus plants do best at temperatures from 45° to 55° F. The cooler temperatures develop sturdier plants and encourage the formation of flower buds. Cool winter temperatures are not a necessity for cactus plants, but these conditions approach the environment in which cacti normally grow. Convenience often will decide the temperature at which cacti plants are maintained.